Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's that time again: time for me to tell our Yanks Abroad what they should do with their careers and their lives, because I am the smartest football pundit/punter on earth. Without further arrogance nor adieu:

• Bobby Convey – Stay
• You played maybe 15 total games in the Premiership, and even then you looked out of your league. Your performances in the Championship made you a fan favorite and gave you confidence, which in turn, got you onto the 2006 World Cup squad. We need that Bobby Convey to come back, but better. So reek havoc in the Championship or else you’ll slowly fade away into American soccer oblivion.
• Marcus Hahneman – Stay
• I’m not sure anyone in the Premiership is looking for a day-in day-out number 1, unless you count the three teams climbing up from the Colaship, but their defenses are probably worse than Reading’s was this past year.
• Eddie Lewis – GO
• You could probably hop onto one of the three promoted teams, but you’d be facing almost certain relegation. Fulham may be an option because they love their Americans there, however you’d still probably be facing a relegation battle. I hear San Jose has a team again and are looking for a new face for their franchise, plus you could show Claudio Reyna how to age gracefully in MLS.
• Benny Feilhaber – Push
• Since Derby went right back down, I think they were relegated by November of ’07, you may have shot a scoring some playing time, which you desperately need. Especially since some of Derby’s midfielder will not want to spend a season amongst the heathens below the Premiership, Robbie Savage I’m looking at you. Though you could probably get on with a relatively decent Intertoto cup side from Norway, Sweeden, Russia, etc. or even a lower table side in Germany, Holland, or Scotland.
• Brian McBride – Stay
• You along with Jimmy Bullard returned to the Cottage after injury and propelled Fulham to 17^th. As the captain I feel that you’re obligated to stay unless Sir Alex finally wakes up and realizes the issues ManU has because they lack a target forward, or Rafa starts looking for a Crouch replacement (though I don’t want to have to buy a Liverpool shirt, Adidas is churning out such shit these days).
• Clint Dempsey – Stay
• You just signed the new deal and magically Fulham stayed up, I think you’re their good luck charm. You still need to put together one full solid season, beginning to end, before the bigger clubs like Aston Villa, and Boro come wanting.
• Eddie Johnson – Stay
• Hopefully Fulham will crash the European party this season and the extra games will mean some PT, if not go out on loan, but stick with the Whites even if they go down next year. You could get a lot of experience and better yourself this way, then move on to hopefully bigger and better things. It wouldn’t hurt you to play well in the upcoming US friendlies and qualifiers either.
• Kasey Keller – Stay
• Through some act of god you managed to keep the number 1 shirt, even though you were a bit nervy. Frankly anything other coming back to the Seattle Sounders would almost certainly be a step down.
• Carlos Bocanegra – GO
• You’re not wanted, I’m not sure why because the oafs Fulham have back their now don’t really inspire confidence either. Play well this summer, then jump to newbie coming up from the Colaship, make your case then move to a mid table club a year later.
• Tim Howard – Stay
• Playing at Everton has solidified your status as the next great keeper from the states. It’s also propelled you to the number 1 status for you country, and given you the confidence to succeed there. Stay there until they force you out.
• Brad Friedel – Stay
• In Blackburn, you’re a god amongst men, stay until your AARP membership comes in the mail.
• Michael Bradley – GO
• Continue to play well this summer, and you’ll have to beat the mid table teams in England and Germany away with mortar rounds and Agent Orange. Tell your agent to pimp you as the “Poor Man’s Michael Carrick/Owen Hargreaves/Roy Keane (though without the nasty side).”
• Oguchi Onyewu – Push
• Playing back at Standard this season has made you more confident for the US, and you weren’t picking up bad habits from that clown Bramble. However, I think you may stagnate in Belgium, if the offer is right I say go wherever it is, except Intertoto Cup country or France.
• DaMarcus Beasley – Push
• On the one hand Rangers are a massive club as far as mid size European nations go, they’re always in the Champions League or UEFA Cup, but on the other they play anti-football (I read that they played a 6-3-1 in the UEFA Cup final, boo hiss). If someone with more attacking verve comes in for you, go. But, you might have to wait until January after proving your knee is healed
• Freddy Adu – No Clue
• Benfica is a larger club, they’re constantly in Europe, but I can’t read their website so I really don’t know if they’re slandering your over-hyped name or not. If you think you may have a shot at some PT then stay, if not go on loan to some Dutch team, where at least you’ll get to have a little fun in the red-light district every now and again, and on the field too.
• Jozy Altidore – Stay
• Just until January. Continue learning from Juan “I used to wear an Alice Band” Pablo Angel, it can only make you better. Plus you can more than likely haul in 15 goals this season while making a name for yourself with the ‘Nats. All pluses when it comes to enticing Europe’s fine suitors. One tale of caution, pick the club that is right for you. You don’t want to end up like Shaun Wright-Phillips now do you?
• Landon Donovan – HAHAHAHAHAHA GO
• I hear the New Kids on the Block are getting back together. Go my little Lanny, go, go, go!!! Thanks Pies, this made me laugh out loud.